I Want To Write...

I want to write a blog that means something. I know I had my beauty blog but as much as I love makeup and beauty I just didn't enjoy writing about it.

I haven't been able to find my niche. Which sucks.

3 Steps Forward, 2 Steps Back

I swear this is just how my life goes. 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. I feel like I can never get ahead in life.

Moments....

Do you ever have those moments when you just want to sit down in a small dark corner and just scream like no one is listening? Yeah I am having those moments.

I remember when there was a time when I would rely on blogging to make me feel better but lately that just isn't the case. I feel like every time I try to write something down, whether it be on here on in my journal at home, it just makes me even more frustrated and shit just gets blown way out of proportion. My mind takes over and really makes things worse.

I am 30 years old. You would think I got over this shit when I was 15. Guess not. Why do I let people still continuously affect my life when they really shouldn't? People who I could really care less if they are in my life or they are not. But yet what they do just gets under my skin so much. It drives me nuts. My life gets thrown a curve ball because of the shit they do when it really shouldn't.

What the fuck is actually happening with my life. Yes I am almost finished with school but it really shouldn't have taken me this long to do it. I should of already been teaching or what ever the fuck I was going to do with my life. Not sitting in a classroom 4 days a week with no job and no life.

I should be living on my own not with my boyfriend's mom and step-dad. IT SUCKS LIVING THERE! Too many people, not enough room and no respect for anyone else. No one cleans up after themselves. How hard is it?

See here I go again. Getting frustrated over something I can't control. I can't control that I live with a bunch of lazy ass slobs who would rather live in a messy house that's covered with dirty dishes, an overflowing garbage, a bathroom that smells like piss because they are too lazy to take out a dirty pull-up in the morning. I guess they love living like they live in a fucking garbage can.

But I do not.

The funny thing though is as I am writing this I am not even at home. I am at school. I am not even near the mess but I know what it is going to look like when I get home. Lazy people, watching tv, not paying attention to their kids, sitting in a living room with food wrappers and crumbs, and half eaten un-crustables without a care in the world.

But you know what... I care... and I shouldn't care. How do I stop caring? Would I love to move out and be on my own? You're damn right I would but I can't. No job. Right now Im not even sure I'm want to even live with Chris. I think I just need sometime to live on my own and let my body readjust to the thought of a clean, quiet house with the dishes done, the garbage taken out, the floors vacuumed, no laundry laying on the bathroom floor, or the hallway, no children screaming and picking apart the house because their parents would much rather pay attention to the TV or their phones then pay attention to their own kids.

I just don't see how parents can do that. You wanted the child, you take care of them.

Ok I really need to stop. I'm sure my professor is looking at me typing away like an angry mad woman, almost beating the shit out of my keyboard.

Oh well...... SHIT HAPPENS!

Blog #Project365

I want to do a blog project. Blogging every day for 1 year. Even if it's just a few sentences to say how I am feeling or a super long post about something that has really been on my mind.

I know that no one reads this blog anymore but that's ok. I'm not doing this for anyone. I am doing it for me.

Hmmmm.... decisions..... decisions....

Trying To Be Positive

With all the craziness in my life trying to stay positive is something that I struggle with. It's honestly something I've always struggled with. Even before I moved down to the Central Valley.

I'm not even kidding but every morning I tell myself about 8-10 times before I even get out of bed that "I do not give a fuck"!

Blunt and to the point. But let me tell you. When your mind finally realized that there is no need to give a fuck things get better. I only give a fuck about things that affects me directly. My life. My relationships. I don't give a fuck that people want to live in a house that is worse than a garbage dump. I don't give a fuck if people like me. I don't give a fuck.

Straight to the point!

Almost Halfway Through Fall 2017

As I am approaching the halfway mark of the semester I thought I would reflect on how I am feeling and how things are going.

I remember thinking in the beginning of these semester that it was going to be an interesting semester but not one I couldn't handle. I knew after last spring and all that I went too I would be able to handle a lot more than I normally would. But boy was a surprised at how stressful this semester was going to be.

There is a shit ton of reading. And when I say a shit ton it doesn't even compare to the amount of reading that is due each week.

Another thing I am stressed out about it all the group work that has to be done. If you know me you know I hate group work. I hate having my grade being in the hands of others who I know are not as focused as myself in school. My anxiety is through the roof.

So as midterms are coming I know I need to get my ass to work. So off I go...

Podcast Update

I am not sure if I am getting the most out of the podcast I listen too. I tend to have them on while I am doing other things. I am listening but not listening 100%. I probably should start to pay more attention.

I am currently listening to a podcast that I found this morning I am not sure how I feel about this guy. It's called "Hardcore Self Help" podcast. He acts like he knows it all but you know he doesn't.

Bleh. I need a life.

Going Into Empty

As I am listening to this week's 'Happier' podcast from Gretchen Rubin it makes me realize how much I let myself go on empty.


I am totally the one who says "I will just get gas tomorrow" or "I'll just go to the store tomorrow". This is so totally me. But the one that really stuck to me was 'Going into empty' on the topic of sleep.

As many people know I suck as sleep and it's not for me lack of trying. Trust me. I love sleep but my body just doesn't like sleep.

What are some of your tips for getting more sleep? I'm curious at what people do to get more sleep.

XoX.

12 Daily Reminders

1. The past cannot be changed
2. Opinions don't define your reality
3. Everyone's journey is different
4. Things always get better with time
5. Judgements are a confession of character
6. overthinking will lead to sadness
7. Happiness is found within
8. positive thoughts create positive things
9. Smiles are contagious
10. Kindness is free
11. You only fail if you quit
12. What goes around, comes around

Unmotivated

I don't know what is going on with my lately. School. Homework. Home life. Makeup. Beauty. I am just not motivated anymore. I don't know why either. I used to not mind having to go to school or having to do homework. Yes I hated it but I still did it. Now I don't even want to do it. I would rather read other book then touch the ones that actually mean something. Granted some of my school books this year absolutely bore me to death, they shouldn't deter me from reading all together. I mean there has to be something interesting about reading the Trail of King Charles I and read about his getting his head chopped off, right?

Nope. Not motivated at all.

Listening to Podcast

For years I have heard about podcast and heard that there are tons of them out there. I have always wanted to start listening to them but I honestly never learned how to access them either through an app or through iTunes.

Until last week. I figured it out on iTunes.

So for the last week I've been really getting into listening to podcast.

The first one I found was of course "Meet Us At Mollys" which is a One Chicago podcast. One day I will be on that podcast if it's the last thing I do. I freaking love those girls. They are amazing. They post every Friday.

The next one I found was "The Daily Boost: Daily Motivation". We all know I love self-help and self-motivation books and apps so when I came across this app I knew I was going to love it. Scott is amazing. He post every Monday.

The other one I listen to is "Happier by Gretchen". Gretchen is the author of my favorite self-help book "The Happiness Project" so I knew that I would love listening to her podcast. She post on Sundays.

I think 3 is a good starting point.

Let me know what podcast you listen to in the comments below.

I Hate Group Projects

There is nothing I hate more than group projects. I always get a group with at least one person who doesn't want to do jack shit on their part. We are always having to cover. Ugh. Fuck group projects.

Mornings

Do you ever have those mornings where everything you can think of going wrong, does.

Yeah it's been one of those mornings and it's only 1130. I wonder how the rest of my day is going to go.

If I am going to be honest it's been a trying last 3 days and I just don't like it. Not at all.

D.A.C.A. Opinion

Do I think everyone has a right to education? Absolutely.

Should they get a free education? Fuck no. I am a citizen and don't qualify for half of the financial aid I should be able to get because I attend a school with a high D.A.C.A. percentage.

Please some one explain to me how that is fair? I am a US Citizen and I can't even get a free education. Those whose parents brought them here when they were kids and are not legal citizens of this country should have to pay their bills.

If any of these people become citizens then they should qualify for financial aid. But until then... they shouldn't be eligible for things that I can't even get even though I qualify.

I Feel Like....

I feel like I need to post about something on my mind. I know it's going to piss people off but you know what... this is my blog and I really don't give a shit if you agree with my opinion or not.

I hate that I have to sit in a classroom 3 times a week and listen to lectures that tell me that I should be a feminist. I should never have voted for Trump. You disgraced the term female. You know what.... I voted for Trump because I didn't like Hilary. I've never liked her. You have to remember I was around in the times of the Clinton administration. I'm not like the 19 and 20 year olds you think you are talking too.

They may be impressionable but I am not. Please quit trying to make me feel like shit because I didn't vote for who you thought I should vote for.

Ramblings...

Well as the first full week of the semester is coming to a close I thought it was time for a blog post.

I have 2 semesters left to go... you heard that right 2 SEMESTERS! By this time next year, if I can get into summer classes, I will have finished my bachelors. It's only taken half of my life. Ok... not half but a good portion of my adult life.

I am sitting in my research intensive class waiting for it to begin and I can't help but reflect back on the last few years of my life and how much has changed. Some for the good, some for the bad. Friends have come and gone. New friends have emerged. I can officially say that I've made a college friend for life. I used to laugh at those people that say they met their best friends in college. Now I'm one of the people I made fun of. Hahaha. Go figure. Karma comes back around.

There has been family dramas, deaths, and even divorces. But that still doesn't change the track I am on. If you are still in my life, be lucky. That means you will be around for the long haul.

Remembering Diana, Princess of Wales 20 Years Later

I remember the morning clearly. 10 years old waking up wanting French Toast (that was my breakfast every Sunday morning) only to turn on the TV and find my idol dead. I may have only been 10 years old but this was the first time I ever remember crying over someone I never met before. I always looked up to Diana because she was such a down to earth and carefree person. She never cared what people thought about her. She cared more about everyone else than what she was going to wear that day. When I saw her picture scroll across my screen I was devastated. I remember my grandmother looking at me wondering what the hell was wrong until she looked at the TV and finally understood.

20 years later we still don't know what really killed her? Driver error? Paparazzi? A plot from the queen to have her killed? Or Charles' mistress? Either way its been 20 years without the people's princess. A life taken at a young age of 36. 20 years that two young boys had to grow up without a mother.


"I don't go by the rule book. I lead from the heart, not the head". - Princess Diana

6 Year Anniversary

Yesterday Chris and I celebrated our 6 year anniversary. I cannot believe that we have been together for 6 years.

They have not been the easiest I can tell you that much. We have had our ups and downs and wanted to give up multiple times but we never did. We've always worked through our shit.

We may want to kill each other 5 days out of the week but the other 2 are great. Better than having no great days at all.

So here's to many more years.

30 Things To Do In My 30th Year!

I really toyed with posting this because I have had mixed feelings from people I have told I wanted to do this. Some thinks its a great idea and some think it's a stupid idea. So after I toyed with it for a while I decided FUCK EVERYONE ELSE! I am doing this for me. My 30th year is about me and no one else. So I am posting it. If you don't like it get the fuck out. I don't have time for you. I don't want your opinions on what I am doing with my life. TYSM!

1. Read a classic novel I've never read
2. Print my favorite photos and from them
3. Try and new hair style
4. Create my own cookbook
5. Accept who I am.
6. Create a 365 Day collage video
7. Get a true facial and massage
8. Find something I'm passionate about
9. Work towards getting out of debt
10. Run a marathon
11. Complete a 52 week gratitude blog challenge
12. Get a skin cancer screening
13. Get in better shape
14. Add to my thigh piece... again
15. Learn how to use my Nikon properly
16. Take control of my anxiety
17. Visit a baseball stadium that I've never been too
18. Enjoy the moments
19. Take a trip by myself
20. Go on a cruise
21. Go to an NHL game
22. Eat at a true ramen bar
23. Purchase something from Tiffany & Co.
24. Get into a great honors program
25. Take care of my body... internally
26. Start standing up for myself with friends
27. Let go of my first 30 years
28. Set goals for next 5 years, 10 years.
29. Find a new show to binge watch.
30. Scrapbook my 30th year.

Birthday Month

Well it looks like another year has come and gone again. In just a few short weeks I will say goodbye to my 20s and say hello to my 30s. I used to be terrified that I was turning 30 but now I am just ready to get this birthday over with. Ready to move on and get going with the rest of my life.

I did create a list of 30 things to do in my 30th year. I think I will be posting that closer to my birthday. Maybe I will keep it to myself. I am not sure yet.

Getting Back In Shape

I don't know how many of these I have posted over my entire blogging career but as I am approaching my 30th birthday in less than 30 days and I just happened to catch myself in the mirror last night after my shower, I am disgusted with what I saw. I refuse to step on a scale beaus I know it's just going to make me even more angry than I already am. 10 years ago I was nice and skinny. I weighted about 115lbs, fit into a size 5 jeans, and didn't care what I looked like.

Now it's consumes my life. I am the only one who can change that. I need that motivation in my life. Why can't Merced offer classes for this kind of stuff. Not just open session classes that anyone can go to. I had so much motivation when I was taking weight training classes.

I hate going to the gym. I feel like I am being judged. I guess that's the problem you get when you go to In Shape. All those assholes are judgmental pieces of shit.

Ok I should probably wrap up this short post because even typing this is making me angry.

An Abrupt MIA

Sorry for the abrupt absence on this blog. I got like 2 days into my post op recovery and I just gave up.

I AM STILL ALIVE! I promise. Obviously.


Surgery and recovery went great. I am back to my old self just with an added scar to my body. Ha. And in a lovely but uncomfortable place.

School actually went really well for all the troubles and hills I went through this semester. I cam out with all B's. I'll take it. I also got an invitation to the national honors society. I was not expecting that at all. Makes me feel good though. But I am so ready to be done though. 6 classes left after this fall semester. I think I can see the end in sight. But then I have to take credential courses. So it's not quite over yet. But once I finish I am seriously contemplating leaving California. I either want to go back east or Hawaii. Hawaii is looking better and better every day. Chris doesn't want to go but I'm not sure I am going to let that stop me.

Just got back from vacation. Orlando Florida. I've been there before but the boys haven't been there. It was an interesting trip to say the least. Not one I plan to make as a group again. I'll go by myself. We did get tattoos while we were there. I added to my thigh piece. The artist I had was down right amazing. If I am ever in that neck of the woods again I will get another piece by him in a heart beat. If you are ever in the Orlando area head to Hart and Hunnington Tattoo in City Walk. Ask for Adam.

Other than that not much else to update. Chris and I are sill together. About to hit 6 years. Yeah that's crazy but we aren't going there.

Post Operation Day 2

Well today is a lot better than yesterday. Still in pain but I had a bowel movement this morning and that was the next big hurdle I needed to get passed. No pain. No extra bleeding. Things are moving in the right direction. Thank god. I want to be healed and this to be over with

Post Operation Day 1

So surgery was yesterday. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was but it's just the beginning.

Still under the numbing medicine they gave me during the operation. It's slowly wearing off. They gave me pain meds so I took one this morning just to be on the safe side incase the meds wear off.

The showers are horrible. Having to move open my legs and butt to clean out the wound is the most painful things about it so far. Hopefully this is as bad as it gets.

I Can't Win

I just don't get it. I studied my ass off for my Anthropology exam and I still got the same exam score as I did on the first one.

Fuck. I am seriously not happy with this class.

One Week Out

So I am just a little over a week out from Surgery. 9 days to be exact. All I can say is if I could have my surgery today I would do it in a heartbeat. I am so ready to get this thing over and dealt with. I don't think my anxiety has gotten any worse but it's definitely weighing on my mind more and more. I made myself a check list last night of things I want/need to do or get before my surgery so that I am not going crazy during the first few days of bed rest. That's going to be really hard for me. I hate sitting down and not doing anything. I am going to go crazy.

Man I forgot how hard it was to type with acrylics on.

Anyways back to what we were discussing...

I have managed to stay off of everything online about my surgery. The only thing I've read is about care instructions but I am sure when I go for my pre-op tomorrow I will get all kinds of information about it (I hope).

I do need to set a reminder to send an email to all my professors reminding them about my impending surgery and that I won't be in class the week after we get back from break.

Did I mention we actually get a week for Spring Break here at UC Merced? I was surprised. I don't remember that last time I had a week for Spring Break off. It was probably when I worked for the school district or back when I was in high school. I had so many things planned for to do during break but now I guess they will have to wait until the semester is over.

Coming To Terms

So last week I found out I will have to have surgery on the lovely what started out as a bug bite spot on my ass. I have had it for almost 2 years. It was not properly handled in the beginning and now I an left with no other option but to have surgery.

The day I was told that I was going to have to have surgery was horrible. I am not going to lie. I walked to my car and sat there for 20 minutes and cried. That was the only thing that felt right in that moment. I've never had to have surgery before. I've never been under anesthesia before. I had just about everything that could possibly happen going through my mind at that point. I could die under the drugs. All the things that could go wrong with the surgery I thought of. I was just in a bad place. I didn't know how to handle anything.

I am not almost a week out after that dreadful appointment and my mind is finally coming to terms with this procedure. I am going to have surgery. There is no other way around it. I will be put under and cut open. Can't get around that either. It has to be done before it gets worse. For all I know it could be worse when they open me up. But I am not going to worry about it anymore. There is no reason to. It has to happen.

The recovery won't be easy but once it's over, its over. No more having to make couples purchases of tape and gauze. No more having to wonder if I brought all the necessary supplies with me when I travel. No more having to worry about it the skin broke open when I forget to bandage it up before I head out for the day. You have no idea how many times I've had a complete meltdown because I thought the skin broke open and I was bleeding every where. Trust me.... not fun.

I will be fine. It's a quick procedure. I will be in and out in no time. It's outpatient. I will get to go home that day and sleep in my own bed. I will have to adjust my lifestyle for the healing process but it's something that will have to be done. Lugging around a sweatshirt or blanket to sit on incase things get uncomfortable. Making sure I have plenty of the medical supplies I need to take care of my open wound(oh yes forgot to mention that. No stitching. It has to close from the inside out so I get to live with a gaping hole in my ass for 6-8 weeks).

Will it be worth it? Absolutely!

M.I.A.

Damn I hadn't realized it had been so long since I updated my blog. I know... I am a horrible blogger. Not that anyone actually reads this other than me. But's thats ok.

Where to begin....

I am well into my second semester at UC Merced and I hate every minute of it. I am barely staying afloat this semester. Taking 4 classes is a lot harder than 3. More homework, less time for everything else. The only nice thing is there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I see it. I will be there eventually. At least with this part of schooling. Then I have to get credentialed. That I am not looking forward too. Who knew that becoming a teacher would be so complicated.

In other news... I am going to have to have surgery on the 29th on March. The bug bite I got on my ass almost 2 years ago that a certain dermatologist never took care of properly has turned into an abscess in my fistula tract so now I have to go in and have it cleaned out. I am not as terrified as I was a few days ago when I went and saw the surgeon and she told me what was going to happen, but I am still freaking out. I've never had surgery before. I know it won't be that bad but I'm still scared shitless. Chris thinks I'm overreacting. I think he is being a dick. You can probably guess where this one is going. Ha.

Other than that I am still going crazy with the people I live with. Josh is home now from the Marines. He is out for good. Medically discharged. So we have been having to deal with that asshole. Let me tell you don't even let your kids become Marines. They won't teach them respect they will teach them to become bigger assholes than when they left. I've never been a fan of the Marines and they way Josh has been acting since joining is not helping their case. I'm just saying....

Well that is all I guess. I am sitting in my Polisci classroom waiting for class to start. So I will bid you farewell for now....

-J