It Hurts To See The People I Love Hurting

My friend Charlie, who is in the United States Army, found out this morning that one of his really good childhood friends was killed this morning back home. Charlie right now is stationed in Italy and soon to be going to Afghanistan. He is taking it so hard and I feel like I can do nothing because I am so far away. He can't seem to grasps the understanding of why is was his friend and not him because he puts his life on the line everyday and he is still alive. Talking to him on Facebook I began to cry because I felt so bad. What do you tell someone who is going through this. It's hard. I feel so helpless.

Rest in Peace Nick Rybka. You will be dearly missed!

Link To News Story

Cant Sleep

I really cannot wait to save up enough money to move out. I want to get out of my house. I am almost 24 years old. I think its about time I grow up and start doing things on my own. To be honest I really thought by now I would of been married and thinking about having a family. But obviously that wasnt supposed to happen yet. I dont know how I feel about marriage with Jason. It has been brought up but he is super against it so I think its in my mind that if I wanna stay with Jason I probably wont get married. I really have strong feelings for him so I guess I have made my choice. Im not even going to start thinking about kids anymore because he doesn't want kids and I am not finished with school but I am not sure that I want to finish school. I dont know what I want to be anymore. Im just getting burned out. I want to live my life for me. I always have someone on my back because I am not taking enough classes or I am spending too much time with Jason. I see him Thursday night and on the weekends. I dont see that as a lot. Maybe I am not that kind of person who is college material. I just dont know what to do anymore. Ive been super stressed out and have been taking it out on Jason and even though he says its ok and thats what he is here for I know that there is only so much he can take. I know he has been getting tired of me talking about the stuff going on with my dad cause I cant let it go. I need to learn to let it go. I have that problem that I keep dragging things on. Its so nice that I have a blog that I can put all this stuff on cause I dont want to bring it up with Jason because I dont know how it will blow over in the end. This new relationship stuff is so weird. Its still going to take some time to get used too and I have to build up that trust with myself again that not every guy is the same. I wake up every morning telling myself that today is going to be a better day and I am not going to let my insecurities about my past relationships ruin my new one. Maybe I am just destine to be alone the rest of my life. Who knows.

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When I Look At You Lyrics

Everybody needs inspiration
Everybody needs a song
Beautiful melody,
when the night's so long

Cause there is no guarantee
That this life is easy (Yeah)

When my world is falling apart,
when there's no light
to break up the dark
That's when I, I, I look at you

When the waves
are flooding the shore and I can't
find my way home anymore
That's when I, I, I look at you

When I look at you
I see forgiveness,
I see the truth
You love me for who I am
like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong
and I know I'm not alone (Yeah)

When my world is falling apart,
when there's no light
to break up the dark
That's when I, I, I look at you

When the waves
are flooding the shore and I can't
find my way home anymore
That's when I, I, I look at you

You appear just like a dream to me
Just like kaleidoscope colors that cover me
All I need every breath that I breathe
Don't you know you're beautiful (Yeah, Yeah)

When the waves
are flooding the shore and I can't
find my way home anymore
That's when I, I, I look at you

I look at you
yeah yeah
Oh Love

You appear just like a dream to me

This Weekend

This past weekend has been very eye-opening.

Friday night Jason and I went over to his Aunt's house because they went out of town for the weekend and needed someone to house sit until Sara and Ethan came home from Disneyland on Saturday night. I ended up going to be hella early but then once Jason came to bed I couldn't sleep. He fell right to sleep as I laid awake for a few hours before finally falling asleep and as soon as I fall asleep Jason starts to snore and I mean hella loud. I socked him a few times and he didn't budge. Then when I finally got him to stop Roxy, the dog that Jason had to bring in bed because he didn't want that dog to be lonely, she begin to snore. Damn it. That was it. Slept like shit.

Saturday was a very interesting and stressful. I woke up in one of my moods and I couldn't take it anymore. Jason did one little thing that got on my nerves and I snapped. After a few minutes of me going crazy I just broke down and cried for I swear like an hour. Jason just sat there and held me for a while. Then things took a turn for a the worse like I always let it. Jason still isn't used to me keeping my feelings in and when someone is telling me something, like giving me advice, I just sit back and listen and never say a word. He took that as I wasn't listening and then he got a little frustrated. I left to go to my grandma's house for my dad's birthday dinner. I always told myself I would never leave someone's house angry but I couldn't help it. So then I get to my grandma's house and then shit really hits the fan. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I had to just get it all out. My dad brought up Jason and then him and my grandma just tried to make me feel bad for jumping into a relationship after breaking up with Jeff and I lost it. I just went crazy. I told them how I felt and let me tell you that made for an awkward dinner. No one spoke to me. Oh well. I'm so over having my family try and run my life.

Sunday was the 500. Stayed in my PJs and just relaxed. I didn't go back to see Jason Saturday night because he was going to Elimination Chamber in Oakland later on Sunday night. Also I think we needed some time apart. We decided that when the show was over I was going to go out there and talk about what had happened on Saturday. So after the 500 my friend Kelly and I decided that we were going to go out to dinner. I wanted Chinese. So we went to Chinese and I was totally looking forward to my fortune cookie. I have this thing that everyone has to open their fortune cookies at the same time. Well when Kelly and I opened our cookies at the same time we said "What the hell??" We had no fortune in our cookies!!!! What the fuck is that shit. I was pissed. Then to top it all off, we get back to my house and then guess what, Kelly had to have his car towed home. -_-  Jason ended up getting home around 11 or so. I drove the 45 minutes to his house and it was a little awkward but we got past that.

Monday was supposed to be a chilled day but it got blown way out of proportion and I really don't want to blog about that because what happened between us does not concern anyone but him and I. After all that we went out to dinner with Jason's family for Rocky's 83rd birthday. We were supposed to hang out with Nick and Cassie but they just wanted to go home. So we went back home and watched Scott Pilgram vs the World. It wasn't that bad of a movie.

All in all it was an eventful weekend, some of which I would love to forget but I know that everything happens for a reason.

The New Me

The new me feels really good. I have finally told the few people who have really been bringing down my life how I really felt. It felt good. Jason has really been rubbing off on me. Im glad that I took a chance with him and let myself be happy again.

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I Thought

I really thought that family was supposed to stick by you though anything and they wanted you to be happy. I guess thats just not the case with my family. I have come to realize that I am being walked over by the people who should be there for me. I am not your slave. I am not here to pick up after you or do your laundry or wash your dishes... I thought you were old enough to do that. Why cant you just let me be happy? I am almost 24 years old. I should be thinking about starting to settle down and think about having a family somewhere in the near future. I should not spend my time crying because you have made me feel like shit. That I am not good enough or that I spend too much time with my boyfriend or that I am turning into my mom. I am not a whore like her and I would never abandoned my family like she did. I am nothing like her and I am nothing like anyone else in my family. I am my own person. I am me. And if you cannot accept that then maybe its time I start thinking about moving out and moving on with my life. Everyone says a family relationship gets better when they become separated but that may not be the case. I think at this point in time things are beyond mending and I just cant deal with it anymore. I need to be my own person and be happy. I just dont need you there to do it.

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That Went Well

So today I swallowed my pride and went and got my job back from the district. It wasn't what I wanted but I knew that was what I needed to do. The job at the Law Firm just wasn't for me. I also didn't like the way he spoke to his employees and his clients. You don't swear at your employees and you should NEVER swear at your clients. I have a feeling that if I stayed there any longer I probably would of gotten fired because I would of opened my mouth and said something about the way he spoke to everyone. I got an opinion from my uncle, who most of your know if an attorney, and he said I should do one of two things; one: I should just quit (which is what I did) or two: stay and record everything that happens and then sue him or turn it all into the state bar. I wish I would of know that before I quit. Oh well. So I start back at the district office Tuesday. I kind of like the feeling of being back on a normal working schedule. Not work wise but getting the normal holidays off. The Law Offices don't get off President's Day or things like that. Just Christmas, New Years and Thanksgiving. Oh hell now. I like to party on holidays. Haha yeah right. And to make matters worse with going back to the district, it was Jeff's mom that I had to contact about getting my job back. Great. Ahh oh well, in the words of Jason, Let It Go!!!

Well racing season is upon us. The Daytona 500 is Sunday and that is just the beginning. Soon it will be time to go dirt track racing and that is what I look forward too the most. I cannot wait to smell the methanol from the sprint cars and the gas from the putt putt classes. I cannot wait for March 18th. It won't be here soon enough. I got Jason to go with me to opening night. It will be out of his normal settings but he is doing it for me because he knows it means a lot to me. Isn't he such a good boyfriend?

Valentine's Day was good. Started off horrible though. A bunch of family shit happened that started my morning off bad. Ending up meeting up with my twin Stephonie and she made me breakfast and just had some girl talk. I needed it. Someone who sees things the same way I do. It was nice. Then I went over to Jason's and because I didn't sleep well the night before I passed out on his bed and when I woke up, he was cuddled right next to me watching a movie. It was nice. No wonder why I was warm. Te He He. We went out to Mexican Food to his family friend's restaurant. I swear I am going to turn into Mexican food. That is all we eat. I have been pretty good though. I haven't been eating nearly as much fast food as I was before I started dating Jason. I have lost 5 pounds. Hopefully by summer I will be able to wear my shorts and skirts.

Oh on a sad note, I will not be going to Reno this year with the bowling league. Jason totally forgot that he had a wedding to go to on that Sunday which he kind of can't miss because he is in the wedding. So after I thought about it, I didn't want to play third wheel to everyone on the trip. I decided the best thing for me was just to stay home. I was just gonna hang out at home and get some stuff done but Jason wants me to go to the wedding with him. That's fine with me. I am always up for a good wedding. We will be going to Reno at the end of April so I will still get my Reno fix.

Even though some people don't think that Jason and I have an adult relationship... I beg to differ. Jason and I have never actually gotten into an actual fight because we have been able to talk everything out without raising our voices. We talk it out like rational adults. Seems like an adult relationship to me. Not a juvenile one where we yell and scream at each other and get no where. We talk it out, find a solution or compromise and move on. A lot better than I can say for some other relationships I have been in or seen lately.

I think we have finally gotten that California Super Storm that they were talking about. It's raining like crazy and the wind is blowing hella bad. I can feel my whole house shake when the wind blows. Our winds are currently 18 mph but expected to pick up over night. ToTo, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore (haha thanks Kelly)

That Felt Good

I have finally made a decision on what I was going to do about Amy. Jason wanted me to get over it so I did. I told Amy that I didn't think that her and I aren't friends anymore. It felt good. I need to trust Jason and that is just what I am going to do. He can still be friends with her. I don't care anymore. I'm over it. Time to move on. Him and I really need to establish a true established relationship before we jump into the trust issues.

Good Going Me

So last night Jason and I were hanging out and he was playing Madden with his friend and he lost and got a little upset. I was messing with him like I had been all night and I guess I struck a nerve because he decided he was going to call me a trick. Really what the fuck? Thats bullshit if you ask me. I kind of went off and I think I might if actually pissed him off because now he is acting hella different and super distant. Do I not have a right to be angry?

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FML

So there is another attorney that works in our office. She favored the girl that was fired the other day. She came in yesterday and screamed and yelled at me that I wasnt going to be good enough for the job and blah blah blah. I literally broke down and cried. I had never been talked too that way by an employer before. So behind the lead attorney's back she set up interviews for tomorrow, the day I will be out of the office. I cannot believe this is happening. I thought that this would be a great job for me to get my foot in the door to becoming a paralegal but who the hell knows now. :-(

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Busy Bee

Yesterday was Jason's birthday. Went out to see him. Got great news yesterday though. I'm training for the receptionist job full time because ours got fired yesterday on the spot. Kind of a hectic day but it turned out to be great. I feel like i am going none stop. I am always moving and never have a chance to rest. I'm ready for a nap.

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Sexual Compatibility

This can be a very challenging and exciting relationship. Leo and Aquarius are an interesting combination of passion, friendship and sexuality. There will never be dull moments with these two. Social groups and events will keep the relationship stimulating. Both need independence and share similar creative abilities. Leo and Aquarius will share an interesting love affair and sex life. Over time, one of them could fall in love quickly. Aquarius needs to give Leo applause for effort and laughter. Aquarius could bring spirituality to Leo’s life. A big bonus for Leo! These two should get a room.

3 hearts out of 3 hearts

Opposites attract! This love match will teach the Leo woman and Aquarius man the true meaning of love if their initial differences and stubborn streaks can be overcome.

The Leo woman learns how to receive love and remove her ego in the process. She learns the value of breaking rules once in awhile while the Aquarius man learns from her how to give love creatively and passionately rather than mentally.

The sex is rebellious and glorious! Not the ordinary bed mates, they will be full of surprises and unexpected sexual twists. The Aquarius man is up for anything and his experimental edge will arouse passion in the Leo woman’s creatively fun sex drive.

I found this strange and so true. CREEPY!!!

First Week At Work

Wow this new job is keeping me on my feet. Its crazy. Im running up and down stairs all day and even got to sit in on 3 depositions on Friday. You wanna talk about boring, man, I couldn't even keep my eyes open in the last one. It could of been that I didn't sleep the night before but still, it was boring. It is an interesting job though. Medical records in a law office is so different from working in medical records in a medical office. A lot more confidential and need to keep things close. I'm determined to get my bat cave organized and looking nice but with everyone else coming down there and messing it all up I don't think that will happen.

Things with Jason are good. We are still exploring boundaires with each other and still pushing buttons but it is because we are still learning about each other. It will pass soon, I hope. I think I am in love with him but I am still trying to figure him out as he is me. It's nice to know that he is trying to become a better person from who he was. I can see his potential. It is nice now when he talks about marriage and kids he isn't so closed minded about it. He still says that he doesn't want kids but he knows when he gets his own place he will start to think about settling down. But of course my mind went too, "well then what are you doing with me? Am I just here to pass time or will he want to settle down with me?" Eh not something to think about right now. Just time to have fun.

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Today Is The Day

First day of the new job. It's kind of scary. I dont know how its gonna go but I hope it goes good. Tomorrow is Thursday. Do you know what that means? I get to see Jason. :-)

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