After Last Night

I need a new perspective on life. On how I treats others who treat me horribly or back stab me and think its ok. I don't show my frustrations in front of your face but I take it out on others after that fact and they don't deserve it. I kept Jason up all night because I needed to get all my frustrations out and he tried to help but got frustrated in the process because he hates seeing me like this. He just wants to squash it himself so its over but its not his battle to fight and I tried to tell him that but it didn't go over very well. He says it involes me, it will always involve him. I was so pissed off last night I just wanted to leave and go home and take care of it but he wouldn't let me go because he didn't want me driving in the frame of mind I was. I love him with my life because he was right I would if died last night cause I just didnt care anymore. As of this moment, right here right now, I'm done caring about everyone who talks shit behind my back, to everyone who is being 2 faced to me, to everyone who has played me in some way or another, taken my friendship for grated, ruined any relationship I have had or tried... I AM DONE WITH IT ALL. FUCK YOU GUYS!!!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

FML

I really need to know when to just shut up and let something go. But no I had to keep going. Jason, I love you to death but I know you were't tired. You only came to bed because I threw a fit. When you aren't tired you move around and that's exactly what you did. That's why I said what I said. I didn't want it to make you get out of bed, turn the tv back on and not come to bed at all. But I guess that's what I get for being a complete bitch. Im sorry. :-( I don't know why I wrote this. You will never read it.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

Really? What The Fuck?

Ok so I get this call today to go out to lunch with someone who I haven't really spent any time with lately so of course I jump at the chance to go. BIG MISTAKE!!! She wanted to talk about Jeff and I. She continued to tell me that Jeff is concerned that I am dating someone else and sleeping with someone else. I sat there in complete and utter amazing? Was she really trying to get information out of me? All I responded was "What I do now is none of his business". I left it at that, grabbed my bag and left. I was so pissed off. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Someone who I thought was my friend was really just wanting to hang out to get information for him. That's bullshit. FUCK YOU!

Oh Hell Yeah

Oh fuck yeah. Someone did hear me. I got a job. A Full time job and it's at a law firm. Holy hell. I am beyond excited. Nothing and no one is going to ruin this for me. I am not going to let them. Everything has fallen back into place and it could not be any better than this feeling I have right now. My day would be complete if Jason was sitting next to me as I posted this, but he is at home, in the comfort of his nice warm bed, that I would love to be in with him. I get to see him tomorrow so I'm all good. I knew today was going to be a good day cause when I turned on the Radio in the car this morning George Strait's "I Cross My Heart" came on. That I would call mine and Jason's song. Life is amazing. I want to thank everyone who supported me in this endeavor, which isn't many, but they know who they are so I thank you.

Finally Falling Back Into Place

I finally feel, right now, this very moment, that my life is finally back on track. I have a guy that I can talk to about anything that is on my mind, if it's about him or not, and it never turns into an argument. He treats me like I should even though there are a few things about him that he wants to change, not from me asking him too, but because he doesn't want to be the person he used to be. :-) I fall more in love with him everyday even though there are some times when I really want to ring his neck.

NOW on to the big news. I have an official meeting with the Admissions office at Agrosy University in February. I am super excited. They are willing to work with the credits I have earned at LMC, the very few that is, and if I go the Liberal Arts route, because they know I have an interest in the Criminal Justice degree, they will add a few CJ courses in with my LA classes to keep me up on things on both ends. I am so excited. I spent 45 minutes on the phone with them. It was amazing. Someone is actually willing to work with what I have. I think what has held me back was the fact that Jeff never really supported me in my education. I kind of felt like I had to spend time with him and not in school. I don't feel like that with Jason. I know he will support me in what I want to do.

I don't think anything right now could get any better. Unless I got a full time job pulled out of someone's ass for me.

Arg

DAMN IT. HE NEEDS TO GET OUT OF BED. IM BORED AND I WANNA GO HOME.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

Last Night

We put everything out on the table last night on our drive to Jason's aunts house. It was nice to get out in the open about how we felt about certain things. And the even better part; there was no yelling and screaming. No scarcasm nothing. It was a civilized, adult conversation. It made me feel good that I can actually talk to him lime an adult. I told him about everything that has bugged me the last week or so and we talked about our relationship and our pasts and how we dont want to be compared to each others past. It felt great to get it all off my chest. Now I think we can move on and be us.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

No Bueno

This is no good. I am beginning to think that mine and Jason's relationship is based off of sex. That seems like that's all we do and when we don't do it we are bored and barely talk. Maybe that's just me and I am paranoid. I hope it's just me. I really have strong feelings for him. More than I have had for anyone and I think a part of me is still scared. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to him about it? Do I just let it go and see where it goes. I didn't want a serious relationship when we started out but now I can't picture my life without him in it. What am I supposed to do? He told me when we first starting talking that he didn't want kids and that he didn't want to get married then about a week into it he said he could see himself marrying me and then he said "When we have kids" in a conversation so I took that has he totally caved in and one say we would have a family. But lately it's been I don't want kids and I can never see myself getting married? WTF? Are you taking it back or did you just tell me something that you knew I wanted to hear? I'm so lost and confused. I don't want to think that he is telling me things to make me feel good. I really hope he feels the way he says he does. I want him to be honest and not lie to me. Ahhh. I have so many thoughts going through my head. Good and bad. He was the first person to say 'I love you' and again I wonder if he told me he loved me because he thought that was what I wanted to hear. His mood changes form day to day. Some days its like he really cares and wants me around and then other days it's like he barely wants to talk to me. I wonder that if I didn't text him in the morning or text him during the day if he would even text or call me at all? I feel so lost when he isn't around. I love it when I am with him. My heart doesn't hurt. This feeling blows.

So today was my last day at the District Office. I got there at 8 and left at 945. I couldn't stand being there. I was still a little peeved at them for what they did. I was supposed to be there until March not January. Thanks guys.

I am supposed to go to Jason's aunt's house for dinner tonight. She called and asked him if we were even still together? Should I take this as a sign? He isn't known for keeping girls around that long. Maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up yet. His longest relationship is only 2 1/2 months. As mine is 4 1/2 years. There is a big difference. Him an I are complete opposites as well. We have barely anything in common. Oh my god why do I keep dwelling on this. I need to let it go. I need to learn to just let things go and move it. It's never good for a relationship. Ok time to talk about something else...

I'm out of here!!!

Whoa Crazy

Things between Jason and I is unbelievable. Our talks are amazing and everyday I fall more and more in love with him. I love talking to him. He always knows how to make me feel better.

Well on a more sour note, working fucking pissed me off today. So the lady I have been subbing for wasn't supposed to come back from maternity leave until the beginning of March. I come into work today and I guess she is going to be coming back on Monday. What kind of shit is that? That's fucked up. So now I go back to the classroom. Damn. I did take next week off though so I can get everything moved back over to classroom mode. I'm actually really pissed.

 I cannot wait for this weekend. I can just relax with Jason and do nothing until bowling. Eeek I love my life.

I do have a friend that I think isn't taking to me having a new relationship very well. He always seems to get all closed off or change the subject when I try to talk to him about Jason. It's weird. I really hope he warms up to this relationship. I don't want to lose him as a friend because of it. I want him to be happy for me.

So I kind of have this play list of songs that Jason has played or sang on my I tunes and it seems like every time I turn on my computer I have to listen to it.
1. Aston Martin Music - Rick Ross
2. Baby Blue - George Strait
3. God Bless the Broken Road - Rascal Flatts
4. Do I - Luke Bryan
5. I Cross My Heart - George Strait (This is our song)
6. I Swear - John Michael Montgomery
7. It Must Be Love - Alan Jackson
8. The Man I Want To Be - Chris Young
9. My Way - Usher
10. Nice and Slow - Usher
11. Shameless - Garth Brooks

Disreguard My Last Post

I'm actually at the moment Irritated with Jason. I hate when people make plans with you and then at the last minute change their minds and do something else. I did that for 4 years and I don't want to do that anymore. I don't know why I am letting it bug me but it just keeps getting under my skin. God damn me and letting my past hold to my present and future. I really don't even know what to say right now but I am pissed off and heated. Oh and he knows it too.

"This Could Be Love"

Last night was very interesting. I got a lot off my chest with Jason. We talked about a whole bunch of stuff. About how I felt about certain things and as did he. I really feel like this is a relationship that is actually working. It's nice to have someone that will compromise and not be one sided on certain things. This is like a real adult relationship. It's nice. I really am glad that things worked out the way they did for him and I. I know now that I would be missing a whole lot if I didn't take a chance with my feelings. I am glad I am happy again.

Trying Not To

Im trying not to treat mine and Jason's relationship like my past relationships but it's kind of hard to change what I am used too. I know if I don't change things I will push him away. I just want him to be honest to me about everything and not say he is doing one thing when he is really doing something. If that is what it's gonna be like then yeah thats how I am going to act cause that is just like my past relationships. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night to find him next to you and him not being there for an hour and then crawl back into bed like nothing happened. I'm not gonna do that again. I need to learn to trust guys again but that is going to be hard. I have to take it one day at a time. I hope one day I can trust him conpletely because I really want too.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

One Month Has Gone By

It has been one month since Jason and I have started doing that was are doing and let me tell you it has been the best month I've had in a long time. I can be myself around him and not worry about how he is gonna judge me. Its awesome. I would not change this last month for anything. I love the feeling of knowing that someone will always be there to protect you. I never got that in past relationships. 

My Mind

At the moment my mind is else where. Its driving me insane. Things and thoughts are going through my head that really shouldn't. I have been reassured that everything will be ok but they just keep coming back. I think its about time to squash the source of these thoughts and the thoughts. Im over this shit. I am not doing this shit again. Im not letting my past come back to haunt me.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Some Best Friend

Its really sad when someone you thought was your best friend, and you two had been through thick and thin, would stand by you in the decisions you make about your life. I posted something yesterday on a social networking site that shall go un-named, abiut being irritated and pissed off at someone. Now that someone I was pissed off at was my father. She texted me and gave me shit that I need to quit talking shit about my ex on the internet and blah blah blah. Now I was already having a bad night so I kind of lost it. I told her that one, it was not about him. Two, you are supposed to be MY best friend and three, its ok for him to talk shit on his page, calling me a whore and a bitch and a skank but I am not aloud to speak of him on mine? BULLSHIT!! I was so pissed. I could not believe what I was hearing. She, my best friend, or who I thought was my best friend, has turned against me and has chosen sides in this break up. I have never asked her or anyone else to choose sides. That's just wrong. She did this on her own. I guess you learn who your real friends are in times of tragedy and weakness.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

I Swear by John Michael Montgomery

I see the questions in your eyes
I know what's weighin' on your mind
But you can be sure I know my part
'Cause I'll stand beside you through the years
You'll only cry those happy tears
And though I'll make mistakes
I'll never break your heart

I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky
I'll be there
I swear like a shadow that's by your side
I'll be there
For better or worse, till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
I swear

I'll give you everything I can
I'll build your dreams with these two hands
We'll hang some memories on the wall
And when there's silver in your hair
Won't have to ask if I still care
'Cause as time turns the page
My love won't age at all

I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky
I'll be there
I swear like a shadow that's by your side
I'll be there
For better or worse, till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
I swear

I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky
I'll be there
I swear like a shadow that's by your side
I'll be there
For better or worse, till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
I swear
I swear

Blogging While He Is Sleeping

Im sitting here, while I watch him sleep, I am thinking back on all the good times we have had over the last month. I can still remember the first time I went to his house. I had broken up with Jeff and it was like 11 on a Saturday night and Jason told me to call him. So I did and we were talking for a couple of hours and then he decided to tell me a bunch of things about his past that he hasn't really told a lot of people. As our conversation progress his back started to hurt. He told me I should come over and walk on his back too make it feel better. I told him that there was no way I was coming out there its 130 in the morning and you live 45 minutes away. He said I should anyways cause it was be cool to just hang out and that I needed to do something for me. So I decided that he was right so I drove all the way to Castro Valley. Lets say it was the best choice I have made in a while. When I got to his house all he did was hug me because he knew that is what I wanted. And that hug was amazing. I can still remember it til this day. I can still feel his arms around me. And thats where it all began. We can hang out just to hang out. We can talk about anything. Nothing is held back. Our kisses are passionate and its amazing. I can say that I am falling for him so bad and I am trying not to be scared and let anything stop me for feeling how I want to feel. I am going to let me heart open to him and take him in and not be scared to get hurt.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

My week in a nutshell

This week was actually really fun. Spent some time with Jason and Amy and the wonderful children.

Monday was the eventful trip to Fredrick's. I have never bought anything in that aspect of sex but I will say that it was a lot of fun. It was a girls night with Amy and Stephonie and a very eventful one at that. Had dinner at Johnny Rockets and that one turned out very interesting. Then Stephonie, we found out, had never been to Spencers so we decided it was a night of firsts. She loved it. I have a feeling she will be back.

Tuesday was laid back at work and even more laid back that evening. Jason came over after work and then we went over to Amy's to hang out for a while. Spent some time with Faith and Matthew. Amanda was with her father (kind of). Amy and Jason got into some intense matches of Wii bowling. It was commical even though I was in complete pain with my back. I did find out that Jason had never eaten Skipolini's Pizza. Amy and I couldn't believe it. We decided that we need to change that. (See Friday)

Wednesday I stayed home from work because my back hurt so bad. I did nothing but laid on the flat floor and slept most of the day. Im lazy when I dont feel good.

Thursday I went back to work and it was crazy how much I missed. Drove out to Castro Valley to see Jason and when I got to the bowling alley I couldn't find him. I did eventually and just hung out for a while. Got a call from my friend Kelly who just got home from Ethopia. Im so excited that he is home. Ive missed my awesomeist friend.

Ahhh today, Friday. Well its crazy at work. We have Principle and Academic cabinet meetings today. Gonna be a busy afternoon but when 430 rolls around its gonna get better. Going over to Amy's after work and then Jason is gonna come over after work and I think Allen is going to come over too and we are gonna get Skipolini's Pizza for dinner and watch a movie and just hang out. Jason will finally eat his first Skipoloni's Pizza. Welcome to the club!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Smile by Charlie Chaplin

SMILE THOUGH YOUR HEART IS ACHING
SMILE EVEN THOUGH THOUGH IT'S BREAKING
WHEN THERE ARE CLOUDS IN THE SKY
YOU'LL GET BY.

IF YOU SMILE THROUGH YOUR PAIN AND SORROW
SMILE AND MAYBE TOMORROW
YOU'LL SEE THE SUN COME SHINING THROUGH
FOR YOU...

LIGHT UP YOUR FACE WITH GLADNESS,
HIDE EVERY TRACE OF SADNESS
ALTHOUGH A TEAR MAY BE EVER SO NEAR
THAT'S THE TIME YOU MUST KEEP ON TRYING
SMILE, WHAT'S THE USE OF CRYING
YOU'LL FIND THAT LIFE IS STILL WORTHWHILE
IF YOU JUST SMILE.

THATS THE TIME YOU MUST KEEP ON TRYING,
SMILE WHATS THE USE OF CRYING
YOU'LL FIND THAT LIFE IS STILL WORTHWHILE
IF YOU JUST SMILE.

SMILE THOUGH YOUR HEART IS ACHING
SMILE EVEN THOUGH IT'S BREAKING
WHEN THERE ARE CLOUDS IN THE SKY
YOU'LL GET BY

THATS THE TIME YOU MUST KEEP ON TRYING
SMILE WHAT'S THE USE OF CRYING
YOU'LL FIND THAT LIFE IS STILL WORTHWHILE
IF YOU JUST
YOU'LL FIND OUT THAT LIFE IS STILL WORTHWHILE
IF YOU JUST SMILE.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Keep Moving Along

So the last few days have been a blast. I love that I have friends that I can run too when I need to talk or just need someone to be around. I have a guy that from what I hear really cares for me and my feelings. This year could not start off any better. Well except for the fact that I will have to spend the next 24 hours on my back because it's all fucked up. I guess I got one of my nerves caught on one of my vertebrae and when the doctor removed it and put it back into place she said I will experience some intense pain and because I don't like taking medicine I am just going to have to stick it out. Which is fine but I never expected it to be this bad. I've never really cried because my back hurt but let me tell you, this pain I have, I could cry until it stops. Then because of this I cannot have any strenuous activity for a week. Really? Blow me. I just bought all this new lingerie and I cant even wear it for a week? FUCK. Oh well. Doctors orders. Oh and because Jessica can never go to the doctors office without getting bad news, they want to run some more test on my Thyroids because one of mine is twice the size of the other and she wants to make sure that it's not something that is going to affect me in anyway. Yay, Go me. I do have to say its nice to have a guy that understands what the doctor says. He was like ok, we will just hang out and chill until your back gets better. He came to visit me last night and hung out with me and Amy for the longest time even though he had to drive 45 minutes back home and had to be up at 5. Yeah I think he loves me. I know I think I love him. It's crazy. This feeling. So last night when I was waiting for him to get home I texted him about something that was said on the way home. He wanted to know what we were doing for our 1 month? Now I have never had a guy that likes celebrating anniversaries so when he said this it kind of caught me off guard. I said "I don't know. What are we doing?" He told me "We are going to the city." Ok. So when he was driving home I asked him "So you like celebrating anniversaries?" and the response I got officially made me fall in love with him all over again. He has not had the best past but that is because of his own choosing. He is not the one for serious relationships. He was the hit it and quit it type. I knew this getting into it but I did it anyways. So getting back to the subject, he then text me with "Well it celebrates the day when my life got brighter. So I would like to do something to commemorate that." :-) I mean what girl would not like to receive a text like that? I swear I was smiling all night long. I do need to work on a few things though. I need to stop comparing him to my last relationship. It's not good for me or our relationship. I want this relationship to be different. It already is different. I want to keep him as long as I can. All my friends seem to like him. Well except for Noah.

So this one deserves it's own paragraph. So last night, Jason and I were at Amy's house playing Wii and just hanging out. Now Noah had Amanda because of a few things that have been going on. So he brought her home and I was right by the door when it was opened and I waved at him and let me just say if looks could kill, I would of been dead. It was like I wasn't his friend, an outsider. I was like wow. I turned around and when I introduced him to Jason, Amy said that he even gave Jason some dirty look. What the hell? I thought that him and I were cool after Jeff and I broke up but I guess not. That's bullshit if you ask me but whatever.

:-)

Tell me why, when I signed on Facebook and saw that the first thing that came up was Jason changed his status to 'In A Relationship' I freaking jumped around my room and smiled like I was in 5th grade with a huge crush? I cant get over it. He is amazing.

So tonight Amy and Stephonie took me shopping for lingerie. I have never shopped for things like this. It was interest and a little bit of fun. I think that whenever I break these things out to Jason things may get very naughty. Ha ha. $178 later and I now own many pieces of lingerie.  

Can I Get A.... Well I'm Not Sure

So we are day 2 into 2011 and I can already tell it's gonna be an awesome year. I have been getting in contact with friends that I had let go because of past relationships and trying to mend the ones I still have. It's hard to let go of my life for the last 4 1/2 years but I know I can do it. I can do anything I stick my mind too. It's great to have a backbone of friendships again. So here and now I will post my annual New Years Resolution List and see how many I can actually keep too....

2011 New Year’s Resolutions     

Pay off credit card!!!!

Weigh 115-120 or wear a size 5

Make a steady workout plan

Eat Healthier

Put $50 from every paycheck in savings

Live my life MY way

Stay organized.

Don’t spend money on useless crap

Get into reading at night again

BLOG MORE!!! (too get out my frustrations with life)

Quit biting my nails

Take as many pictures as possible.

Appreciate the little things

Smile. Laugh. Love. Live Free.

New year, New start

welcome 2011! its time for a new start, a new life, new friends and new love. bring on 2011!