My Last Post

Well damn my last post was not a good one. I just was in one of those moods that I couldn't get out of. I hate it but I know its something that I need to face. I haven't been working so I have no money. I am taking one class online and that's it. So much for finishing school. I wanna finish school and get a job that I can pay off all my debts and have Jason pay off all of his and then we can start looking for a place of our own. I wanna buy a new car. All these things I want but I can't afford. I know all the stress I have been putting on myself isn't helping mine and Jason's relationship. It's putting a big strain and I am trying not to let it bug me but I cannot seem to get back this. Is anything ever going to go right?

Horrible

This shit fucking blows. I have no money for anything, barely scraping up money to go see Jason, I have bills that have to be paid cause I havent paid them in over a month. I have nothing. I feel so worthless like nothing is ever going to go my way. I haven't be called by the district at all. Ive applied for like 30 jobs and haven't heard back ftom any of them. I cant keep going on like this. I want a job that works around my schedule and I want things to go right again. I dont want to ask people for money. I dont know what to do anymore. Anytime I think about this it makes me so sick to my stomach. I cant take this anymore. HELP!!!

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It's When

Its when I get text messages from him like this that make me fall in love with him all over again.

"I Love you babygirl. Cant no one ever change that"

:-) x A trillion!!

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Yes I Do Love Him!

    

Even when he is having his gay moments with Brian!!

How

How do you convice your mind that there is someone out there who actually does love you and wont hurt you like you have been hurt in the past? That seems to be the one thing that I have a hard time getting passed. Jason isnt like any person I have ever dated but I cant seem not to think that he wont hurt me. Im scared to let him in because Im afraid to put my guard down. I dont want to hurt like I have hurt in the past. I want to be fair to him but when it comes to our serious conversations lately I shutdown and not talk to him about things. I do love him but I cant seem to get my heart to understand that he wont hurt me like I have been hurt before. But when he says it, I want to believe him but my heart freaks out. FUCK! Why does this have to be so hard?

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Neglected

I'm sorry I have been neglecting my blog. This have been a little crazy. I have been looking for jobs like no one could believe.

Will post more later.

March 30th

I dont know what is it about him but lately I cannot keep my hands off him. All I want to do it is kiss him, hold him, hug him, or cuddle with him. Its insane. Then all of a sudden he started acting like a real boyfriend. Hugs and kisses everytime he leaves or I come over. Always wants me to be next to him. And lately he has been talking about our future. :-) I love waking up next to him in the morning and I love sleeping next to him at night. I just love being with him. He is the only person that can truely keep me sane. I have been having dreams about kids the past few nights. I dont know why but its weird. Even jason had a dream the other night that he took his kids bowling. I think he will be a great dad even though he keeps telling himself that he wont be. So lately things have been really good with my dad but not so wekk with my grandma. She is just getting on my nerves. Always jumping down my throat about something or other. It kind of sucks but oh well. I will get over it. I swear I could write about him all day and never run out of things to write about.

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