This Last Year

So in the last year I've done a lot of soul searching and making sure my life is going the way I wanted it too.

I've been in a really dark place... most people couldn't even tell. But after a year of trying to figure out what I really want out of my life, I think it's safe to say I'm getting there.

I've cut people out of my life that were toxic.

There are still some I would love to cut out but since they put a roof over my head, it's kind of hard too.

I am far from where I want to be in the long run but I'm happy with where I am at.

Semester Almost Over

I don't think the end of this semester could come soon enough. I knew this semester was going to be rough with having to write my senior thesis but I didn't think it was going to be this hard. I have been putting all my focus on my senior thesis that I have been only giving like 60% to all my other courses and their work. I wanted to stay getting all B's this semester but I know I won't get a B in my english class. This will be my first C (hopefully) at UC Merced. It's a bit devastating to me. I feel like I have let myself down. I should of been able to handle all the work that had been given to me but I let it all fall by the waste side. Ugh. I feel like such a failure sometimes.

The End of the Semester is Near

Oh thank the lord. We are coming up on April 1st (Sunday) and then I will have 1 month and 1 week left of this semester. I know this semester is not going to be as good as previous semesters. I have a feeling I will be getting my first C at UC Merced. I know by the time grades come around I will have come to terms with it. I will be fine. I will be graduating in the fall and that will be that.

Moments

I have moments when I sit here and wonder what the actual fuck I am doing with my life.

I wanted to travel. I wanted to see the world. Here I am at 30 years old, still in school, not married, no kids... what the fuck kind of 30 year old am I?

Senior Thesis Update

Going into this semester I was dreading having to write my senior thesis. I have heard that it's the worse part of graduating as a History major. 35-40 pages of one topic that you have a lot of interest in. I am actually having a lot of fun reading all my sources. I bought most of the books that I got through Inter-Library Loan so that I can write in them, mark them up the way I want too.

I never thought I would actually enjoy writing like this. Now ask me after my first draft is in and I may give you a completely different answer. I will probably be hating life at that point.

I Feel Like...

I feel like I have a lot to get off my chest but sometimes I just don't know how to put it into words.

Does this happen to anyone else?

Kitchen Update!?!

Well we have been in this house over a month and we still DO NOT have a functioning kitchen. The oven is plugged in but hard to use when you don't have a countertop to prep on. I can say that half of the cabinets are in and attached to the wall but that's about it. The floor still hasn't been laid down in the dining room. Ugh. It's just a fucking mess. I cannot wait until it's done so that I can start cooking again. I'm terrified for when they want to re-do out bathroom. It will take fucking forever to do that bathroom. Realistically it could be done in a day, 2 at the latest... but with the way these people work I'll be showering outside for a year.

God help me!

So Close

I feel like I am so close to a nervous breakdown. The sad part is that no one around me even notices it. How sad is that? Either I'm really good at hiding it or they just don't care to notice.

Not Like Myself

I miss the days in which I blogged all the time but I feel like school and life have taken over. Like right now... I should be working on a paper for Italian Renaissance Art History but here I am writing a blog post instead.

I tried to keep writing in my journal but that seems to have fallen by the waste side. Go figure right. If there anyone here that remembers the time when I would post all the freaking time? Every little thing that happened in my life I would post about. Not so much anymore.

I really want to post a life update but I feel if I do whoever sits and reads this would be sitting at their computer for days reading every thing that has gone on that never got put on the blog.

If it makes you feel any better I have one of my TV shows that I've fallen behind on playing in the background of me writing and it's Black Friday commercials? Holy hell... you think I'm behind much?

Oh and did I mention that I started watching Downton Abbey and I am completely addicted? I hate that it isn't on anymore. But once I finish it I can cross another thing off my '30 things to do in my 30th year'.

That's yet another thing I've failed at. It's almost March and I've only gotten like 5 or 6 things crossed off that list out of 30. #epicfail

I guess that is all for now. I really need to go and start writing my paper.

17 Dead in Shooting at Florida High School

It seems all too often that we turn on the TV these days only to see that someone has shot up a school, or business, or home, or movie theatre. It's fucking sad that world we live in.

Today... a 19 year old male arrived at his old high school, one in which he had been expelled from, and shot and killed 17 people and injured many more (hopefully this number does not rise). He planned this. He went into the freshman building, pulled the fire alarm, waiting until the hallways were filled with students making their way to the exits, and opened fired on those innocent lives. It is unsure if it was all students who were killed or if there were staff members in that number.

It doesn't fucking matter if it was all students or if there was staff killed or injured.... the fact is these people went to school/work today, Valentine's Day, first day of Lent, and did expect to not be heading home tonight.

Lives of every student at that campus today were changed. Lives of every staff member at the school was changed today. Parents lives changed today. Friends lives changed today. First responders lives have changed today. Our nation has changed today... and it changes all too often.

As I sit here listening to politicians talking about gun control and background checks for guns.... if they government tells someone they can't have a gun they will just get it from somewhere else. There is something called a 'black market'. People can get guns in many different ways. Gun Control is not going to be a huge help in this. I know a shit ton of people will argue with this comment but you know what... I don't care.

I hate knowing that kids are going to school today and having 'active shooter drills' as often as they eat lunch. It's fucking disgusting.

I have not brought a child into this world... and frankly I will go my entire life without having children if this is what they are going to have to live through for 13 years of the educational career.

Fuck this world we live in!

Prayers for those who were affected by the tragedy in Parkland, Florida today!

3 Week In...

We are already 3 weeks into the semester and I already feel like giving up. The class I thought was going to be hard is actually not going to be and the class I thought I would enjoy the most has become the class I absolutely hate with a passion. The teacher knows what she is talking about but the shit she is making us do is ridiculous. The assignments, the papers, its all so confusing. She doesn't explain things well which just makes the matters worse.

Thank god my senior thesis is done in pieces or I would really be shit out of luck. But tell me... I am a history major... have been for some time now... and I am still struggling with identifying primary sources. Yes I get some people struggle with that their entire life, but I never assumed I'd be one of them. And I am not one to ask professors because that makes you sound fucking stupid and they don't like they. If you didn't already know.. Professors are judgmental.

2018

It's January 1st. That's means its he start of a new year. This is still crazy to me. I swear we just had New Years like a few months ago. But nope... here we are 365 days later celebrating another year.

I took a long time trying to figure out if I wanted to make any resolutions or goals... and I decided I don't. I never stick to them. By February I can't even remember what they are. The only thing I want to do in 2018 is bring a positive attitude back into my life. That's it.

I don't want to be the grumpy sour puss I have turned into for 2017. I left that in 2017 and it's time to start fresh.

I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year and lets make 2018 the best year yet!

I Want To Write...

I want to write a blog that means something. I know I had my beauty blog but as much as I love makeup and beauty I just didn't enjoy writing about it.

I haven't been able to find my niche. Which sucks.

3 Steps Forward, 2 Steps Back

I swear this is just how my life goes. 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. I feel like I can never get ahead in life.

Moments....

Do you ever have those moments when you just want to sit down in a small dark corner and just scream like no one is listening? Yeah I am having those moments.

I remember when there was a time when I would rely on blogging to make me feel better but lately that just isn't the case. I feel like every time I try to write something down, whether it be on here on in my journal at home, it just makes me even more frustrated and shit just gets blown way out of proportion. My mind takes over and really makes things worse.

I am 30 years old. You would think I got over this shit when I was 15. Guess not. Why do I let people still continuously affect my life when they really shouldn't? People who I could really care less if they are in my life or they are not. But yet what they do just gets under my skin so much. It drives me nuts. My life gets thrown a curve ball because of the shit they do when it really shouldn't.

What the fuck is actually happening with my life. Yes I am almost finished with school but it really shouldn't have taken me this long to do it. I should of already been teaching or what ever the fuck I was going to do with my life. Not sitting in a classroom 4 days a week with no job and no life.

I should be living on my own not with my boyfriend's mom and step-dad. IT SUCKS LIVING THERE! Too many people, not enough room and no respect for anyone else. No one cleans up after themselves. How hard is it?

See here I go again. Getting frustrated over something I can't control. I can't control that I live with a bunch of lazy ass slobs who would rather live in a messy house that's covered with dirty dishes, an overflowing garbage, a bathroom that smells like piss because they are too lazy to take out a dirty pull-up in the morning. I guess they love living like they live in a fucking garbage can.

But I do not.

The funny thing though is as I am writing this I am not even at home. I am at school. I am not even near the mess but I know what it is going to look like when I get home. Lazy people, watching tv, not paying attention to their kids, sitting in a living room with food wrappers and crumbs, and half eaten un-crustables without a care in the world.

But you know what... I care... and I shouldn't care. How do I stop caring? Would I love to move out and be on my own? You're damn right I would but I can't. No job. Right now Im not even sure I'm want to even live with Chris. I think I just need sometime to live on my own and let my body readjust to the thought of a clean, quiet house with the dishes done, the garbage taken out, the floors vacuumed, no laundry laying on the bathroom floor, or the hallway, no children screaming and picking apart the house because their parents would much rather pay attention to the TV or their phones then pay attention to their own kids.

I just don't see how parents can do that. You wanted the child, you take care of them.

Ok I really need to stop. I'm sure my professor is looking at me typing away like an angry mad woman, almost beating the shit out of my keyboard.

Oh well...... SHIT HAPPENS!

Blog #Project365

I want to do a blog project. Blogging every day for 1 year. Even if it's just a few sentences to say how I am feeling or a super long post about something that has really been on my mind.

I know that no one reads this blog anymore but that's ok. I'm not doing this for anyone. I am doing it for me.

Hmmmm.... decisions..... decisions....

Trying To Be Positive

With all the craziness in my life trying to stay positive is something that I struggle with. It's honestly something I've always struggled with. Even before I moved down to the Central Valley.

I'm not even kidding but every morning I tell myself about 8-10 times before I even get out of bed that "I do not give a fuck"!

Blunt and to the point. But let me tell you. When your mind finally realized that there is no need to give a fuck things get better. I only give a fuck about things that affects me directly. My life. My relationships. I don't give a fuck that people want to live in a house that is worse than a garbage dump. I don't give a fuck if people like me. I don't give a fuck.

Straight to the point!

Almost Halfway Through Fall 2017

As I am approaching the halfway mark of the semester I thought I would reflect on how I am feeling and how things are going.

I remember thinking in the beginning of these semester that it was going to be an interesting semester but not one I couldn't handle. I knew after last spring and all that I went too I would be able to handle a lot more than I normally would. But boy was a surprised at how stressful this semester was going to be.

There is a shit ton of reading. And when I say a shit ton it doesn't even compare to the amount of reading that is due each week.

Another thing I am stressed out about it all the group work that has to be done. If you know me you know I hate group work. I hate having my grade being in the hands of others who I know are not as focused as myself in school. My anxiety is through the roof.

So as midterms are coming I know I need to get my ass to work. So off I go...

Podcast Update

I am not sure if I am getting the most out of the podcast I listen too. I tend to have them on while I am doing other things. I am listening but not listening 100%. I probably should start to pay more attention.

I am currently listening to a podcast that I found this morning I am not sure how I feel about this guy. It's called "Hardcore Self Help" podcast. He acts like he knows it all but you know he doesn't.

Bleh. I need a life.

Going Into Empty

As I am listening to this week's 'Happier' podcast from Gretchen Rubin it makes me realize how much I let myself go on empty.


I am totally the one who says "I will just get gas tomorrow" or "I'll just go to the store tomorrow". This is so totally me. But the one that really stuck to me was 'Going into empty' on the topic of sleep.

As many people know I suck as sleep and it's not for me lack of trying. Trust me. I love sleep but my body just doesn't like sleep.

What are some of your tips for getting more sleep? I'm curious at what people do to get more sleep.

XoX.