Moments....

Do you ever have those moments when you just want to sit down in a small dark corner and just scream like no one is listening? Yeah I am having those moments.

I remember when there was a time when I would rely on blogging to make me feel better but lately that just isn't the case. I feel like every time I try to write something down, whether it be on here on in my journal at home, it just makes me even more frustrated and shit just gets blown way out of proportion. My mind takes over and really makes things worse.

I am 30 years old. You would think I got over this shit when I was 15. Guess not. Why do I let people still continuously affect my life when they really shouldn't? People who I could really care less if they are in my life or they are not. But yet what they do just gets under my skin so much. It drives me nuts. My life gets thrown a curve ball because of the shit they do when it really shouldn't.

What the fuck is actually happening with my life. Yes I am almost finished with school but it really shouldn't have taken me this long to do it. I should of already been teaching or what ever the fuck I was going to do with my life. Not sitting in a classroom 4 days a week with no job and no life.

I should be living on my own not with my boyfriend's mom and step-dad. IT SUCKS LIVING THERE! Too many people, not enough room and no respect for anyone else. No one cleans up after themselves. How hard is it?

See here I go again. Getting frustrated over something I can't control. I can't control that I live with a bunch of lazy ass slobs who would rather live in a messy house that's covered with dirty dishes, an overflowing garbage, a bathroom that smells like piss because they are too lazy to take out a dirty pull-up in the morning. I guess they love living like they live in a fucking garbage can.

But I do not.

The funny thing though is as I am writing this I am not even at home. I am at school. I am not even near the mess but I know what it is going to look like when I get home. Lazy people, watching tv, not paying attention to their kids, sitting in a living room with food wrappers and crumbs, and half eaten un-crustables without a care in the world.

But you know what... I care... and I shouldn't care. How do I stop caring? Would I love to move out and be on my own? You're damn right I would but I can't. No job. Right now Im not even sure I'm want to even live with Chris. I think I just need sometime to live on my own and let my body readjust to the thought of a clean, quiet house with the dishes done, the garbage taken out, the floors vacuumed, no laundry laying on the bathroom floor, or the hallway, no children screaming and picking apart the house because their parents would much rather pay attention to the TV or their phones then pay attention to their own kids.

I just don't see how parents can do that. You wanted the child, you take care of them.

Ok I really need to stop. I'm sure my professor is looking at me typing away like an angry mad woman, almost beating the shit out of my keyboard.

Oh well...... SHIT HAPPENS!

Blog #Project365

I want to do a blog project. Blogging every day for 1 year. Even if it's just a few sentences to say how I am feeling or a super long post about something that has really been on my mind.

I know that no one reads this blog anymore but that's ok. I'm not doing this for anyone. I am doing it for me.

Hmmmm.... decisions..... decisions....

Trying To Be Positive

With all the craziness in my life trying to stay positive is something that I struggle with. It's honestly something I've always struggled with. Even before I moved down to the Central Valley.

I'm not even kidding but every morning I tell myself about 8-10 times before I even get out of bed that "I do not give a fuck"!

Blunt and to the point. But let me tell you. When your mind finally realized that there is no need to give a fuck things get better. I only give a fuck about things that affects me directly. My life. My relationships. I don't give a fuck that people want to live in a house that is worse than a garbage dump. I don't give a fuck if people like me. I don't give a fuck.

Straight to the point!

Almost Halfway Through Fall 2017

As I am approaching the halfway mark of the semester I thought I would reflect on how I am feeling and how things are going.

I remember thinking in the beginning of these semester that it was going to be an interesting semester but not one I couldn't handle. I knew after last spring and all that I went too I would be able to handle a lot more than I normally would. But boy was a surprised at how stressful this semester was going to be.

There is a shit ton of reading. And when I say a shit ton it doesn't even compare to the amount of reading that is due each week.

Another thing I am stressed out about it all the group work that has to be done. If you know me you know I hate group work. I hate having my grade being in the hands of others who I know are not as focused as myself in school. My anxiety is through the roof.

So as midterms are coming I know I need to get my ass to work. So off I go...