This Last Year

So in the last year I've done a lot of soul searching and making sure my life is going the way I wanted it too.

I've been in a really dark place... most people couldn't even tell. But after a year of trying to figure out what I really want out of my life, I think it's safe to say I'm getting there.

I've cut people out of my life that were toxic.

There are still some I would love to cut out but since they put a roof over my head, it's kind of hard too.

I am far from where I want to be in the long run but I'm happy with where I am at.

Semester Almost Over

I don't think the end of this semester could come soon enough. I knew this semester was going to be rough with having to write my senior thesis but I didn't think it was going to be this hard. I have been putting all my focus on my senior thesis that I have been only giving like 60% to all my other courses and their work. I wanted to stay getting all B's this semester but I know I won't get a B in my english class. This will be my first C (hopefully) at UC Merced. It's a bit devastating to me. I feel like I have let myself down. I should of been able to handle all the work that had been given to me but I let it all fall by the waste side. Ugh. I feel like such a failure sometimes.

The End of the Semester is Near

Oh thank the lord. We are coming up on April 1st (Sunday) and then I will have 1 month and 1 week left of this semester. I know this semester is not going to be as good as previous semesters. I have a feeling I will be getting my first C at UC Merced. I know by the time grades come around I will have come to terms with it. I will be fine. I will be graduating in the fall and that will be that.

Moments

I have moments when I sit here and wonder what the actual fuck I am doing with my life.

I wanted to travel. I wanted to see the world. Here I am at 30 years old, still in school, not married, no kids... what the fuck kind of 30 year old am I?

Senior Thesis Update

Going into this semester I was dreading having to write my senior thesis. I have heard that it's the worse part of graduating as a History major. 35-40 pages of one topic that you have a lot of interest in. I am actually having a lot of fun reading all my sources. I bought most of the books that I got through Inter-Library Loan so that I can write in them, mark them up the way I want too.

I never thought I would actually enjoy writing like this. Now ask me after my first draft is in and I may give you a completely different answer. I will probably be hating life at that point.

I Feel Like...

I feel like I have a lot to get off my chest but sometimes I just don't know how to put it into words.

Does this happen to anyone else?

Kitchen Update!?!

Well we have been in this house over a month and we still DO NOT have a functioning kitchen. The oven is plugged in but hard to use when you don't have a countertop to prep on. I can say that half of the cabinets are in and attached to the wall but that's about it. The floor still hasn't been laid down in the dining room. Ugh. It's just a fucking mess. I cannot wait until it's done so that I can start cooking again. I'm terrified for when they want to re-do out bathroom. It will take fucking forever to do that bathroom. Realistically it could be done in a day, 2 at the latest... but with the way these people work I'll be showering outside for a year.

God help me!